Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..