In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.