Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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This is amazing.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?