[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.