I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges