Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You Might Also Like
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!