The 6 types of sex
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*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
That was easy.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it