[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
You Might Also Like
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end