Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Ugh but profoundly
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.