Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.