[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.