o shit
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.