I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.