“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down