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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
i meant to share this earlier
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster