My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english