Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
You Might Also Like
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming