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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.