I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
That time Alicia messaged me
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.