Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.