We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense