I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,