WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s