#parenting
You Might Also Like
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
thanks auntie mary
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable