New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
what
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it