Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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HEYYYY MACARENA
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.