FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi