You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”