I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
her: so we could have sex
me: 馃檨
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 馃檪
her: [sigh] i鈥檒l get the katanas
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I鈥檓 asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I鈥橫 AWAKE.