He a real one for that
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.