My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
the red hot silly peppers
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*