added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Ion see the issue
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?