Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.