My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
You Might Also Like
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.