Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Accurate
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart