11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
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[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.