Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
This is me
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator