[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.