By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Wikigenius
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.