If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Holy crap this is wonderful
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…