The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.