Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh