My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen