How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope