Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Boating season is upon us.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Lmbo
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.