5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Noted.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?