Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Blew my mind.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.