I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!