I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing š
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
biggest issues with Australia?
ā no late afternoon coffee
ā footwear
ā lack of nukes
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
How I flirt with my husband:
Iām about to go to Whole Foods, so donāt report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Driving home with my kids & my son didnāt like the song I was listening to. He said, āThank God weāre 10 seconds from home!ā & then I took the long way home because thatās what good parents do.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment š
What a website
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncleās wedding To which he responded āyeah and I canāt wait to be the ring bear I have been practicingā and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, thatās illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: Iāll take it from here boys
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I donāt like to insult women, but Iām not a big fan of my boyfriendās other girlfriend.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Adult: Whatās that a drawing of?
Someone elseās kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HEāS COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER