mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Meanwhile in Portland…
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.